Self-realization at its best

Trigger point:  Parking Tamil movie

Triggered: Self-consciousness

Train of thoughts:  Wondered why I liked family and moral values, honesty and truth?  Why I liked actors Venkatesh (Telugu actor) and Dileep (Malayalam Actor)?  Why I search for movies like ஆறிலிருந்து அறுவது வரை and directors like Visu and Sathyan Anthikad?  What is so special about movies like நண்பகல் நேரத்து மயக்கம்?  Why I wanted a large family when I married my wife?  Why I thrive to attend every function of my family and my wife's?  What is so special about the place I have born?  Why is the culture so captivating?  Why are my interests in agriculture and deep-rooted in what my ancestors did?

Realization:  Belonging!  I don't think I belong in the rat-race I am running right now.  Somewhere the identity is lost - while studying in a school which was trying to give me identity? (which I now realize that its changing my own roots), while pursuing my college? (actually now I think about it, I was and am gifted with like-minded confused idiots), while searching for and identifying my work-place? (damn, what is this fascination for?)!

My run has been what it has been, I cannot change it.  My every step (school, college, work) and my father's (school, college, work-partially) has all been driven by my nation's drivers.  That is too much to break-down, but I now can see it.  My father was driven to "Britisher's school and college" and so was my mother.  This deep-rooted ideology broke my grandfather's way of life.  But my father went back to agriculture and probably realized the core values somewhere in his route (Bsc Zoology in Pachaiappa college to courier service to agriculture is no easy deal).  It has taken me 43 years (my age now) to realize that I was influenced and driven by most of my past and around.

Past: Britishers influence on education.

Around: Politics, Westernization, Globalization... damn everything that was pushing me away from my roots!

Ok what now?  Fuck it... Want to go back to roots and the way of life that was deep-rooted (close to nature)... Lets see how it unfurls!

What am I doing now... Processing green card in USA (because I am able to with EB1), getting prepared for retirement at 55 (frankly never knew I could do this earlier or later), maturing into an individual who can take whatever else shit is going to be thrown at me!

Time is faster than thoughts, indeed!

They are called "Observers", thanks to "The Fringe" TV series for the word.  Imagine if we could do that atleast for the past that we have lived.  Interesting to put a lens, rewind and forward the time I have lived.  I would start doing several things.

First and foremost, would be to study about the weather patterns in the last 100 years or so.  Try to match and correlate that with various culture's study of the weather - leave no stones un-turned, I would like to take synopsis from Astronomy and Astrology especially from the Hindu culture.  Trying to look at various calendars itself gives me a cold feeling that the information is already there and data we try to correlate is only to reverse some of our understandings of superstitions.  Over generations, we have lost the knowledge, and only carry beliefs.  Several calendars Tamil, Gregorian, Hijri are followed in just where i live.  Imagine if the 60 year calendar in Tamil has a great significance that can answer the crop rotation and human behaviour patterns (astrology)!

A rock has a larger lifetime than humans or any so called 'living' creatures as we call it.  I sincerely hope there are many other 'things' that 'live'.  And the most important thing that should be done by studying 'time' is to carefully 'let' these 'things' 'live' so us humans can have more generations of lifetime.

Already, I know that each of us have individual micro lives that our past generations lacked.  These micro lives are what is making each of us hang on to some form of net-logging.  Out past generations either couldnt find a way to express it or lacked tools to embrace those talents.  Us on the other hand have started embracing it.  Only 'time' can tell how well these micro lives can exchange values with environment so we can co-exist for several generations to come.

An idea, a patent, a copyright is only limited in time of its owner.  Imagine if Newton filed a patent for gravity applications.  A royalty is again a joke, very limited in nature.  We humans lose almost all of our lives living these jokes.  Time flies by and only later does one realize the real 'search' in life.  Once you know, you do two things - you realize it is of no use explaining the same to future generations and next is useless for you too as time has been faster than your thought!

Rediscovering me!

Wow, what a fabulous 30 years I have lived.  No regrets whatsoever.  There is something in me that started asking a lot of questions, not that I never asked to myself before.  In the last few years, I have been chasing a new target for life, a new reason, a new beginning.  It is always disputable as to what the heck have I done so far, if I have to begin something today.  I am going to keep it simple, no past, only today and futuristic visions from now on.

I have been a person, living the moment, all along and I will continue to be.  It was initial days in college (Vellore engineering college 2002 pass-out batch). We used to have students segregated in batches irrespective of their course they have opted.  I belonged to the "F batch"; there were totally seven batches named A to F, all valid for the first year only.  The batch concept was good, getting to know more friends than your course-mates; in fact most turned out to be long term.  Also, in the first year, it was all common subjects ranging from Physics, Maths, Chemistry, English, etc.,.

It was one of the English sessions.  Folks were called randomly to talk on the stage; the classroom was setup in such a way that the professor's desk was placed in an elevated platform (like a stage) primarily for visibility of the whole classroom.  I volunteered and started talking; topic being general stuff (anything).  I do not remember a whole lot of crap of what I had talked, but I do remember one thing.  I jumped into social consciousness and talked about how each individual should live only until 30 years and should prove worthy within that time frame; my vivid picture was to kill oneself beyond that time to let others live.  The thought still lingers in my mind; when I crossed my birthday, the plot thickened.  I have not realized myself the deepness in the thought I had glimpsed at that time, until recently.

The motive of that thought was to let everyone live.  The deep philosophy behind that was to give food, clothing and shelter to the next generation and move-on (die).  Why should one do that?  Because there is scarcity of all those basic items and humans were exploiting them already.  So what is the rediscovery? It merely cannot be attributed to life and death; it is about increasing efficiency for the duration of an individual's life.  This thought is the soul of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.  But objectivism is not all true, only the reason is powerful in it, is my thought.

So what next?  Frankly, the rediscovery is going to happen all my life.  To where I stand, I am equipping myself for better learning by learning basic stuff like driving, flying, diving so I can travel to learn what I want to and to do stuff.  Do what stuff?  I find my interests in rectifying social calamities such as water, food and electricity - so a need for "Energy".  Renewable or more efficient, either way, should get it done.  One of the things I have learnt hard is self-dependency and trying to work that logic into everything that I need to run my day to day life.  What is my day to day life?  All I need for survival is water, food (for body), shelter, clothing and food for thought (software development).  It is plain selfishness, one might say, but I am pretty confident that only when my needs are satisfied, can I stretch it to others.  By the way, by being a software architect, I feel when I search for my needs, I will find them in a way that sets an example for others as well, to find on their own.

For instance, when you have your own farm, you can have your own vegetables, rice and spices.  Grow cotton for clothes. You can dig up for water or take it from rain or ocean, purify and use it.  Set up a solar panel on top of your house for power.  Does any of this need any help from anyone once they are setup, I do not think so.  This was the most primitive way a human was living (self-sustained).  I do not need fashionable articles from Paris, rather I will make it myself when I need it.  I will trade for an item but only when it is in my reach, only when my basics are right. Just expand this thought to a village, we have a self-sustaining village. Expand this thought to a country, we have a "sustaining economy".  I think, it is the need of the hour in every place, for every person.  As Michael Jackson sung it, lets make this world a better place!

Confidence speaks!

No confidence : Nay, that ain't possible

Confidence : Yo, put it on my table

Over confidence : Yea, what's my offshore for!

No confidence: Wow, you really are a rock star!

Confidence : Good job, seems a challenge well handled.

Over confidence : Thats a piece of cake, you struggled!

No confidence : Nah, I dont want to learn that

Confidence : Show me, I'd like to see that

Over confidence : I know it

No confidence : No human's been there

Confidence : Lemme check it out

Over confidence : I've done that

No confidence : rrrrr... (sleeping)

Confidence : What a pleasant morning!

Over confidence : rrrrr.... (still sleeping)

No confidence : Oh man, she's hot!

Confidence : How about a coffee?

Over confidence : Hey, wanna hang out tonight!

No confidence : in 2 days?

Confidence : Lets put x, y, z in A and move w to B

Over confidence : make it 1 day!

No confidence : Wait, A is for this, B is for that and C was used for ah ahm D

Confidence : This is the outcome of A, this is the outcome of B, do you want to revisit C?

Over confidence : Thats the way C is to be! .... Nope you are wrong about C

No confidence : This company doesnt pay well but extracts a lot of work

Confidence : I think its a fair pay

Over confidence : I am wasting my time here.

No confidence : The policy is unfair, but who cares, my manager asked me to do so

Confidence : The policy is unfair, lemme talk to the management

Over confidence : The policy is unfair, I am going to file a case!

Closed doors

It was a good game of Basketball. That was the time of the year when the pressure of exams were felt like never before in our lives. Every one of us had daily targets to finish in our subjects - one day it was Maths, the other day it was Physics or Chemistry. The last four years of schooling really made a difference in everyone's lives - from IX standard to XII standard. Yet, we all as a team used to spend a few hours at the playground. The games, especially Basketball, were becoming interesting day-by-day and were junior-pulling. Our intentions were clean - sweat and have a good game, relax from studies. Each one of us had different reasons though - a few were catching up time until tuition time started, a few were scared of homes, a few were expressing emotions of the classroom in the court; every day every one's motive would probably change. One thing was common though - having a good game and relaxation.

The kind of lad I used to be, I had different friends at different times of the day - studious when at class, naughty when at home / street, fun and joyous when at play and elsewhere. Probably I never had anyone so near and dear time and now, I am still searching. It is not a surprise that I had been investing time in finding good mates - forget soul mates.

It was one of those days were we had a rough day at school and had a much longer game of Basketball. It was a Saturday, I remember, one of those naughty friends who stayed right about the corner of our home, said that one of our friends got into an accident and is quite serious. Well, he would not lie after constant questioning - this one didn't too! So we decided to visit this bed-ridden friend of ours.

But what do we do, none of us both had an idea, atleast nothing in my mind. Firstly, I didnt even know how to react when he said that. And then when I did eventually realize his emotions and expressions, I did feel for him and for our bed-ridden friend. Well, this is probably new to Indian culture - acting American / British; whatever you might call, I for sure at that time didnt know how to react to such things. I would partly correlate to the cold-blooded character of mine and the way I was brought up in the initial days - emotions seem to me remote; in some things even today. I am cultivating it, I am getting civilized. But it was kind of so uncommon that people around me used to get puzzled for such things. There was one other situation where I was a carrier of a death news of my uncle to another uncle. I was cautious of not repeating the mistake of not showing emotions, but ended up being clueless butcher again. In the interest of things, I asked my parents how and when to give the death-message and when my parents clarified saying lookout for the right time and deliver, I did keep it in mind. But when I entered my uncle's house, I didnt know whether to say that immediately or not. I waited for some time - as if I was good at psychology, I was watching my uncle and aunt's mood, and then delivered; just that this took almost an hour - funnily I even had my food before then (what can I do, I was hungry too!). Well, then when my uncle and aunt complained to my parents, thats when I knew that respecting emotions was better but a death-news knows little emotions / moods of people. It definetely costs atleast one drama to learn something in life.

Well, the drama continued - me and my friend finally decided we should go with fruits and biscuits. Buying something for a hospitalized was no easy job, later I knew. This was the first time I realized I was visiting a hospitalized person - well not exactly but something of my own for the first time. Thus, there were so many questions, so many reasons, so many thoughts before we actually visited. It turned out that my friend was hospitalized for appendicitis - still who knew what that was even when you heard such a name; medical taxonomy was a foreign language for computer students was a reason to escape such situations. Still, my inquisitiveness made me understand that term from my bed-ridden friend. I was told, biscuits should not be taken but oranges are okay. Well, when you understand appendicitis, you would obviously know about post operative care; for us neither helped at that age. Some of the reasons could be that I was not inquisitive enough or probably because of the family tree I belong had less trace of medicinal history - I learn from my parents. That cannot be an excuse, I know, and so I started learning tough and frequently used medicinal terms.

You get to learn, when you experience atleast one drama that teaches you a lesson. It was the visit of us to the bed-ridden friend that taught us that friendship had closed doors too. One of the reasons for me to visit my friend was to have him a good friend. But that was partly invalid, as the capacity of our relationship over the years never grew - atleast it still remains the same, an ounce probably less. I can say that taking fruits to a bed-ridden person probably would not make a better friendship nor would any other approach other than talking / thinking in sync with a friend - in fact, that too sometimes fail.

I am still searching for friends, good ones, soul mates, for life - for open doors! I sometimes feel I have them right near me, just that I never realize them, realize when they are gone far away. I sometimes feel I have plenty of friends around me but none to talk to, sometimes I feel I am talking a lot but none of those are my good friends. One of my friends once said, his walkman (music player) has become a friend for him - yes indeed I started thinking cigarette butts are friends; thinking C++ and Java is friendship! A few of my friends have said that I am an open book - just that I feel, I sometimes am not opened. I never give up, would not at all - why should I? If it costs me my lifetime to realize an open door, I am ready to give it a shot - its worth it; rather realize the meaning of life than die of ignorance.

Objectivism

I swear - by my life and my love of it - that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine

To be frank, I had lived this life unrealizing the statement's potential and values without its consequences, without its moral infliction, without its meaning, without its splendor, without putting reality in place. It was the best read of my life, fantastic and amazingly thought-provoking. Objectivism is really the system for human living, arguably the best! It emphasizes the mind and moral values to the right balance. The author claims the book to be future-proof, and I have to agree. A system of living which suits any human generation and any period. A system to be built in future, well may be a 1000 years from now would still have to be built on top of objectivism, unless humans evolve into an entirely new species before that!

I cannot imagine a writer during 1950s like Ayn Rand thinking through this. I was awestruck reading Atlas Shrugged, it simply blows you off. Interestingly, digging into the reading habits - among what people have read and got influenced most, this one seems to be next to bible atleast in 1991 (reference : englishcompanion.com) and still Amazon.com holds this list for most influential books. The book is sound in its concepts and amazingly portrayed. The philosophy of life, it is definitely a subject for college or high-school students.

On the contrary, it took me about a year to just finish reading the book. True I am not a good reader, but this book is really something as I had read and re-read a lot of stuff to just grasp or understand the concept and character better. I cannot imagine that in one spot, a character's speech was just about 30 pages, every single line about Objectivism. Still a lot of it is something I have to read again to grasp. I guess if I had read this book in my college or high-school, my life and carrier would have been dramatically different. Nevertheless, I hope its going to be different from here on, I am able to realize a few changes in my attitude and thoughts already!

Inspirational moments!

A moment can transform into an inspiration provided the threads involved with the moment are all utilized to ultimatum and satisfied.

Mathematical proof:-
Example: You are in search of a "perfect" song. You are depressed and you hear a song that really elevates your entire feelings (brain included). The threads being "search", "song", "environment" and "you".

Time is a healer and yes for inspirations too, it is a 'healer'. In the sense, it heals off old inspirations with new ones.

Gandhi is a thread who transformed the moment 15th August 1947 into an inspiration. But time is a healer then and now. Those who believed India needed only independance believed/believe Gandhi(or the moment) has an inspiration. Contrasting to it, those who believed India needed inter-dependance-based-independance believed/believe Gandhi(or the moment) shattered or restrained their hopes.

I for sure think these are ridiculous as arguments. But the bigger picture is "what is the search for" as a thread in the "moment to happen" to transform into an inspiration. Attitude is one of the key parameters as a thread to the transformation.

Take any inspiration such as Einstein, Thomas Alva Edison, Armstrong, Chawla, Pete Sampras, Tiger Woods, Mother Teresa, Al Pacino, Jayalalitha, Temples in Tamil Nadu, next-door-Indian-Army-soldier, Chernobyl incident, Hiroshima/Nagasaki incident, Bermuda Triangle - everything can be proved as above.

PS: This article was written on March 1st, 2007 but I couldn't publish then.

One more step to death!

Travel has become convincingly interesting to life. Feb 17th and 18th were no different. This time the destinations were Lake Tahoe and Yosemite National Park. The plan was crafted neatly and perfectly time bound. Rent the car on Friday and all 6 of us synced up on Saturday early morning at 5:30am. Drove to Boreal mountain for skiing. Although it was second time that we ski, had a tough time practising the turns. End of day drove back to Sacramento through the Lake Tahoe route. The route is a beautiful and picture perfect one. Had a peaceful night at the Good nite Inn in Sacramento.

Lake Tahoe!

Sunday - to trek the whole day in Yosemite. It was about 2.8 miles of trek and about 5 hours round trip. There were two trails that we could take. Studying the maps and weather conditions, we planned to take the John Muir trail. But at the last moment, we chose to go via the Mist trail because my friend knew the trail already. Thus we reached the bottom of Vernal Falls. By this time one of the six decided to retreat. Here is where the Mist trail gets seperated from the John Muir trail. So we headed to the top of Vernal Falls via the Mist trail. Here we had our lunch and three of six decided to retreat. So we were left with only me and my roomie (who knew the trail before) to conquer the trek plan. Our plan is to get to the top of Nevada Falls because further trail to Half Dome requires more time and camping, also due to weather conditions Half Dome was closed.


Thus me and my roomie headed to conquer the Nevada Falls. Trail was quite clear initially until the top of Vernal Falls, but towards the Nevada Falls it becomes quite unclear and rocky. Although there were steps in the latter part of trail to Vernal Falls, they were steep and risky. Further more, I was only wearing leather shoes which were not even close to trek-shoes. The Mist trail although it becomes rockier from top of Vernal to Nevada Falls, the trail leads pretty close edged to a mountain, making it scarier (atleast my friend felt that way). Often I got lost in the trail because atleast in two places it was confusing and unclear. At one point we were retreating the trail to figure out the right way, as if we were attempting to solve the eight-queens problem using backtracking algorithm. The beauty of Mist trail is that it reveals the beauty of Vernal Falls and Nevada Falls through its way whereas the John Muir trail doesnt. Its such a beautiful sight to witness the valley down from the top of Vernal Falls. Both the trails reunite again about 0.2 miles from the top of Nevada Falls. To get to the top of Nevada Falls, we had to reach this unification point and then walk 0.2 miles in the John Muir trail. The top of Nevada Falls is a beautiful one. It should be around 7000 feet above sea-level.


After a photo session, we decided to take the John Muir trail to reach the Yosemite valley / car. Walking for almost half a mile we come across this snow covered path in John Muir trail. The barricade was only about a foot tall and about half-a-foot wide and a wrong step on that would definetely take you to hell. The path was completely in hard snow ice and it was drizzling at that time. Occasionally ice was falling from the top along the path. WorseWe came to a point where we couldnt use the path/trail anymore, instead we had to walk about 25 feet on the barricade. Initially I thought we could do that and my roomie listening to that did walk on that barricade for about 10 feet. After that he could find some low ice where he could stand in the trail. Now it was me to cross that yard, and I couldnt because my shoes became very slippery and I literally sat on that ice. Now we examined the trail more carefully and understood that we were risking a lot. So we decided to retreat via the Mist trail itself. This place was so dangerous that had either of us placed one step wrong, we would have reached the valley the fastest way but dead.

The ice-packed death bed!

The trauma of that incident is still there but my curiosity and adventurous attitude have increased further. After all, the death bed is yet another walk of life...

A peep into my future

I have lived just 1/3rd of my life. The journey has been thus far very convincing and enjoyable. My kiddishness is gone, my adolescense is gone, I have been "behaving" a man for a while now. Henceforth, the journey looks very depressing, very selfish and unenjoyable. The following attributes are going to define my life.

Success yardstick

The career and materialism growth rate is directly proportional to the rate of success I obtain in the coming years. Interestingly, as an example if I achieve 2 certifications and 3 MVPs in next two years, it would mean I get promoted in two years and 1/3rd increase in my materialism. That would mean, I have to be 150% workaholic.

Failure yardstick

The "non-liveable" and "liveable" factor both are directly proportional to the rate of failures. This is a dangerous yardstick. Although it gives the amount of depression I carry over, it also provides an yardstick to measure that I had lived through it. Balancing out will be the toughest part to live through.

Entertainment yardstick

This is another yardstick to measure the "liveability". A cross-functional product of this with the success yardstick gives the measure for better and healthier growth rate. Interestingly this cross-functional product varies inverse-exponentially with the failure yardstick.

Smile yardstick

This is going to be the best of the yardsticks. I would love to measure it, but sadly this yardstick is going to be the least important growth rate wise. Even then, this yardstick is quite important in that, a maintenance of 5 on 10 on an average for the next 10-15 years will be the best for this yardstick.


Did I get too much carried away by self-assessment? May be I should add a "psycho" yardstick, drug yardstick and criminalism yardstick. But I strongly feel, I would not even have time to measure the four primary yardsticks. Enough of gyan, now, get back to your work!

Rewind(ing)

Another year has arrived with full of glory and fantasy. Let me tighten my shoes for yet another year of adventure and fun! Thinking back, 2006 had been one of my most active year. Let me list down the fun... Sit back, relax and enjoy!

Had a few Japanese classes.
Had a few Guitar classes.
Learnt cooking and been living very independantly for the first time in life.

Created my first blog and maintained(toughly) the blogspot.
Caught up with school, college friends (thanks to Orkut).
Been away from family and friends for the longest time in life.
Bought a land at hometown for my precious parents!

Flew for the first time in life that too on Boeing.
Flew in a turboprop (thanks to Horizon Air) for first time in life.
Travelled to US for the first time in life.
Saw the states Washington, California, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Texas, New Jersey/New York, Oregan, Georgia and Nevada.
Tried for a Italian, German and Canadian visa but got rejected.
Been part of road trips from Los Angeles to San Francisco and from New Orleans to Dallas-Fortworth.
Saw snow for the first time in life.
Skied for the first time in life.

Hit 200 pounds and back to 180 pounds all in 4 months.
Watched most movies in a year... should definetely be more that 365! and in Tamil, Hindi, Malayalam, Telugu, English, Japanese, Chinese and Italian languages.
Watched the entire Friends serial (well, though only one season is remaining).

Had hands dirty with the Professor's cube for the first time in life.
Created a program to solve the Sudoku game and tested successfully with the hardest games.
In a Java project for the first time in life.
Worked with a world's few prestigous clients.. Microsoft, Motorola and CISCO.
Gone down the ratings in Algorithms at Topcoder (with two worst competitions).

Bought an hard disk of 250GB.
Bought Motorazr mobile lost and then bought Nokia 6133.
Had the worst burglary attempts in life losing a laptop, mobile and wallet (two credit cards, a debit card, SSN and Indian driving license).

Gambled for the first time in life - lost around $400 in one occasion and won around $150 in the second.
Maxed my alcohol limits to 13 beers, awesome!
Taken cocaine for the first time in life.
Been hospitalized for the first time in life and tested by a Neurosurgeon and Psychiatrist
due to alcohols.
Took lap dances from a few gorgeous girls first time in life.
Been taken care by NYPD, Chicago Police dept and Bellevue police in three different occasions.

An attempt to synchronize!

Ramsey Clark:
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

My 25 years in the world's most democratic country still make me feel - what is 'freedom'? It happened in a part of world, where war is no crime, where heights take a different dimension, where obesity is the standard, where sports is a healthy act, where living is the sole purpose. Where I understand living, there is freedom, there is peace, there is discipline, there is forgiveness, there is apology than hatred, there is cry but no care, there is laugh but no people.

But, still I miss the raw, the flesh, the genuinity, the prosperity, the togetherness, the rich, the poor, the race, the drama, the adventure, the family, the friends, the love, the hatred, the competition, the loss, the win, the four seasons of sixty four emotions, my life.

What is living without life? It makes no sense and never will, until I bridge my living and my life, the goal and the achievement, the path and the succession, the eternity and the death.

Blissful day!

Those wee stressfull hours,
Those long workoholic days,
That humdrum thought process,
That inspiring concentration,
That celestial culmination!

That cab trip back home,
That moonlit dew shine,
That traffic-clear detour road,
That city behind barricade gaps,
That pleasing violin-flute music,

That final honey dew smooth,
That peaceful sleep,
Those sweet dreams,
All fade over the journey!
The journey of life,
Blissful life!